This is My Dairy.

I really had no idea of what growing up really mean’t. Me rushing to be a grown up isn’t all that.. I don’t really remember but all I remember is me being a child and having my innocence TOOKEN away from me. The most wonderful a child could have. I had no idea of what was going on I really didn’t. I didn’t understand what was happening. How can someone I love, that I’ve been around, that’s suppose to love me and be like an older brother do those things to me. All I remember is waking up and feeling him, when he saw that I was awake he stopped… He never spoke to me about it after that day, at least I don’t remember him talking to me about it. All I know is that ever since that day things changed for me. I thought doing certain things were okay and they weren’t. I started touching myself and being something I didn’t know I was so young, but yet how did I know of such things as sex? Why was I always trying to go in for that touch or that feeling, even when it was wrong. I don’t blame him for being the start of it, my own cousin took my innocence away from me, and I haven’t told any one about this, this is the only reason why I made this blog because I just can’t keep this inside any longer. I’m not mad at him, for a while and sometimes today I feel a hate towards him. But then It goes away… I honestly feel like that’s why I am the way I am with sex now as a adult to be. I wish I could go back in time and be a kid again, maybe stop what happen. Maybe things would be so different for me if that day never happen. I might even take my time to grow up. I remember all the things I’ve done that sometimes I still think about till this day and ask my self why oh why was such a trouble maker? It’s crazy when things happen and you grow up and you realize what things really were. I don’t understand how they always seem to pop back into my head, but they do. Maybe it’s the devil trying to get inside my head. How do I let go of these things. How do I move on. Dammit man… God please help me, help me please. I’m trying to become a better person, no I am a good person. I’m trying to learn how to heal and help myself heal. I’m lost about who I am, and who I want to grow up to be. How do I move on Lord. How do I move on from this chapter of my life. Now that I am starting a new one. What things have to change, what things have to be better, what things can I do? Please just answer me, I’m crying out loud for you! I need you!!! Oh how much I need you! I know I need you! I’ve always needed you! How lost have I’ve been with out you! I can feel myself changing, fighting with my past, with the things that I use to think about and over think about, it’s always been in your hands. I have always been in your hands. I’ve allowed him. NO MORE I PROMISE NO MORE! I am worth it, I am strong, I am smart, I am beautiful, I am enough!!!!! But please just keep helping me!!! Please help me fight it!!!! Please help me heal… Show me how to learn and move on, I love you so much God above all things and myself, but show me how to have a relationship with you again! I have so many people I can talk to, but for me making this blog and writing things on here, makes me feel better. Because maybe some one will read it, and just tell me hey it’s okay. Or it at least makes me feel better knowing I’ve said it, that’s I’ve let it out. For someone, or no one to read. It helps me so much knowing that I don’t have to hide anything anymore. And I know that with God all things are possible. If any one ever does read this post, all I want to say is that I’m learning on moving on, I am not perfect but nothing will ever stop me from moving forward and pushing through. Things will get ugly in life. But that’s what life is about, and whatever you going through or have went through or will go through. Just remember….. GOD WILL NEVER PUT YOU THROUGH ANYTHING YOU CANT HANDLE.